Ms. Kathy's Kids Blog

Saturday, April 3, 2010

Colonoscopy Journal (Just n Time from Dave Barry)

Oh gawd, jennifer. I have to get one next week.

MsKathyssLogo2.gif picture by mskathy0724

http://www.kathyskids.org
Ms. Kathy's Kids Blog: http://mskathyskids.blogspot.com/

--- On Sat, 4/3/10, Jennifer Lutterbie wrote:

I don't know whether I am more of a colon cancer survivor or survivor of colonoscopies. Humour helps the cause.

If you ever had a colonoscopy or are planning on one, you can't miss this one!!!

ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humor columnist for the Miami Herald.

Colonoscopy Journal: I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.

A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis .

Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner.

I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous.

Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor.

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons). Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon..

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but, have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep.

The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked..

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere.. I was seriously nervous at this point.

Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.

There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was "Dancing Queen" by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, "Dancing Queen" had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood.

Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that IT was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...
Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!'

2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'

3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'

4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'

5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'

6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'

7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'

8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'

9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!'

10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'

11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'

12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'

And the best one of all:
13.. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

ABSOLUTELY HYSTERICAL...........

Education & Weight

My friend Brother Gerry Gribbin sent this to me via email.
In the past 3 years I have indeed gained ...more education

http://www.kathyskids.org
Ms. Kathy's Kids Blog: http://mskathyskids.blogspot.com/

--- On Sat, 4/3/10, Gerry Gribbin wrote:

With time,
Men gain weight because we

accumulate so much information and
Wisdom in our heads that when there is no more room,
It distributes out
To the rest of our bodies.
So we aren't heavy,
We are enormously cultured,

Educated and happy.

Beginning today, ...

When I look at my butt in the mirror I will think,

Good grief, look how smart I am!�

Must be where
Smart Ass came from!

.

Urge Discovery to Drop Sarah Palin's New Show

Besides, she's such a dwerp!

http://www.kathyskids.org
Ms. Kathy's Kids Blog: http://mskathyskids.blogspot.com/

--- On Fri, 4/2/10, Change.org Action Alert wrote:

From: Change.org Action Alert
Subject: Urge Discovery to Drop Sarah Palin's New Show
To: m
Date: Friday, April 2, 2010, 7:34 AM

Change.org Action Alert

Urge Discovery to Drop Sarah Palin's New Show
Dear Kathy,

Discovery Communications — the parent company of The Discovery Channel, Animal Planet, TLC and others, and known for their wildlife-focused programs — is planning to produce an 8-part TV show on Sarah Palin's Alaska.

Sarah Palin's Alaska is a "reality TV" show that aims to showcase the "powerful beauty of Alaska," according to Discovery's TLC website.

But the real Sarah Palin is no friend of Alaska's natural heritage. While in office, the former governor fought against increased protections for endangered whales and America's dwindling populations of polar bears in favor of oil and gas development, supported dangerous drilling for oil in the Alaska National Wildlife Refuge, and escalated Alaska's brutal aerial wolf-killing program.

Yet according to reports, Palin will earn about $1 million per episode from the nature-focused series.

Act now: Send a powerful message to Discovery Communications expressing your disappointment at their action and urging them to drop Sarah Palin's new show from their programming schedule.

It's important that the truth about Sarah Palin's record not be swept under the rug by her celebrity. Palin's disrespect for the environment and disregard for science and has done real damage to Alaska's wildlife and endangered Alaska's natural heritage.

Send a message to Discovery Communications and let them know that Sarah Palin doesn't deserve to represent the "powerful beauty of Alaska" in front of millions of people.

Take action today >

Thanks for taking a stand,

- The Change.org Team in support of
Defenders of Wildlife Action Fund

Click here to sign your name

Tell Discovery to Drop Palin's Show.

Counting Bells and Learning to Write

Here's my little toy tester doing audible math with some jingle bells in a basket. The big bucket is underneath to keep the bells from rolling all over the floor. He has cerebral palsy and will drop them. Doesn't stop him from trying to hold all of them even when I tell him I can't even do that.

I will give him an addition problem like "What's four and three more or four plus three?" He picks up four, then three more and drops them back in the basket to check himself by listening to the bells clink as they hit the basket. He's pretty good actually!

In this photo, I have drawn lines on half a fluorescent colored poster board. Then I laminated it. My beginning large print readers can practice forming letters on it with dry erase markers. When I go to a couple of classes I use them to write what the teacher has on the class board for kids who can't see far enough to see the board. The students will copy from this board at their desks rather than from the board on the class wall.

One of my teachers uses actually uses permanent ink markers on hers. She found that the kids would rub the dry erase marker off the board with their noses from trying to read it or "accidentally on purpose" with their sleeves or fingers. To clean the boards she uses a spray can of "Goo-Gone" and a paper towel. In this photo I have a ruler on the line to show how far apart the lines are. I used Sharpee (C) fine point colored permanent markers for the lines. I made clouds at the tops of each line for little clouds that I outlined with blue marker. The white of the clouds is correction fluid. (I used this kind because it doesn't flake up and the little brush inside is flexible enough to actually paint it on).

Flower tops were drawn to the center dotted lin. The roots on the flowers show the line where certain letters like the lowercase "j" and "y" have tails that dip down into the ground area.

I have made these in different colors but the kids tell me they like yellow best of all. White gives off too much glare for kids with glare problems like with albinism.

Friday, April 2, 2010

Peeps are at it Again

Marshmallow Peeps Yellow Chicks 5ct.Each year there's a Peeps diorama contest. When I didn't see this year's results announced I went lookin' fer it. LTMS! OH! for my Chinese blog followers who are not blocked, my Spanish readers and Irish friends, Peeps is a marshmallow candy in the shape of baby chickens named for the sound made by--guess what?--baby chickens! There are also Peep bunnies nowadays, which they didn't have when I was a kid.
Here's a link for some smile inducing diorama's featuring our soft, comfort food friends: PEEPS Winners

This link is for Peeps at the movies: PEEPS AT THE MOVIES

How to play Peep Duel? Click here for a Peep at some fun. (sorry) {:^G}

Here's an article with photos from the Washington Post: Best of the Culturally Literate Peeps.

You may prefer modern art to dioramas with these Peep modernists.

If you'd like to enter next year's contest, the official Peeps web site is at http://www.marshmallowpeeps.com/. All I ask is that you make sure to let me know if you enter and send me a photo of your creation. You know I love strangely creative stuff like this. Hee hee!

I'd write more but I'm too pooped to peep.

Oh, no she di'n't say that!